To Whom It May Concern

Dear Helsinki Airport,

Could you be more boring? Sure your security was nice to me, and let me pass through quickly, and without all the annoying questions, and searching that plague me in Toronto – but that's not a real compliment. Toronto is notorious for being the most annoying and obnoxious airport, especially to me. Whether I'm entering or exiting, it's my own country that causes me problems.

Let's cut to the real quick of it, shall we? It's not that you're a god awful excuse for an airport like Reykjavik. It's not even that you're a dirty train wreck of an airport like Miami. My problem is just that you keep setting yourself up for greatness only to fall flat on your face. And you're so inconstant!

Let me start by explaining what I mean. There is an internet flash animation called “Late Night Shopping (it's fantastic)” and ever since I saw it I've been in love with all things “Jaffa.” The bars, the cakes, the other snacky treats – but I've never had the Jaffa soft drink. Now, when I saw a bottle of it for sale at the airport for 3.20 euro, I thought that that was a bit much. But if that's what I have to pay, then I guess that's what I have to pay.

But that isn't the case, is it Helsinki Airport? Because right across from me was a stand selling the same beverage for 3.50. Now – it seems to me that if you can find it more expensive, you can find it less expensive as well. So I scoured the airport, walking through all the gates in terminal one, all the way to the international “passport control” section. And you know what I found? I found it price as 3.00 at one sandwich shop, 2.50 in a machine, and 2.20 at yet another store. This was ultimately the cheapest soda I could find, and so I bought it – hoping it would taste better than (not the same as, and definitely not worse than,) orange crush. It did not disappoint. But you, Helsinki Airport, you did.

Do you know how it makes someone feel when they know that each potential product is on sale, or inflated, elsewhere within a twenty meter walk? It makes every buy seem like a shame – a bad value – a misguided purchase. Sure that four euro tuna sandwich looks like a very good deal, but is it? Is it?!

And lets discuss your shopping, shall we? Did you locate all the shops in one easy to reach area, or did you spread them around, at times clumping, and at times looking like a scatter shot? As if designed by three drunks playing lawn darts? I think you know the answer.

And then – let me reach my final point. I can't believe we're here already – there are no electrical outlets in the entire airport. No gates have them, no halls have the, nothing has them – except for one small white room near gate 19, where there is a couch, some tables, and a television playing Walking With Dinosaurs (yeah – you get some points there, good for you. But soon it will be replaced with Frasier, and where will you be then?!)

Why have you lumped all your sockets together in such an inefficient way? Sure, I'm happy – my plane leaves from gate 19, but not all these people are here four hours early, ready to fly into Oslo. They can't possibly be. My how you've inconvenienced the so.

So Helsinki – it's not that you're a god awful excuse for an airport, it's just that you're so close to getting it right. So close to pulling everything together, and it just hurts so much to see that you don't seem to recognize it. Just take off your glasses, and let your hair down. You could be the belle of the ball in no time – if only some uninterested jock took you on as an ill planned bet.

Sincerely,
OYT Mgmt.

P.S. What do you think is more ridiculous? Girls whose names end in y, i, ie, or ii? For example:
Candy Holly Mandy Sandy
Candi Holli Mandi Sandi
Candie Hollie Mandie Sandie
Candii Hollii Mandii Sandii

I think the ones with the i's because I imagine the girl drawing a heart for the dot over the i.

Do you see what I've been reduced to thinking about because of your terribly boring interior? How about adding a water park?

P.P.S. The canned bear meat is pretty cool. But even if I had the twenty euro to buy it, you don't sell can openers. Please rectify this immediately.

P.P.P.S. You see! This i exactly what I'm talking about Helsinki Airport – you try to coax people to pay for wifi access, but then gate 15 in bathed in free access signals. If I hadn't been walking around refreshing wifi ports like a fool, and if it wasn't called FREE INTERNET ACESSS I never would have known. One last thing – would it hurt you to install some plug sockets here?