On Route to Paris

So I'm on board the train from Brussels to Pairs. And I see that they have the wifi on board. And I'm a fan of this – not because I will pay to use it, but because the sheer magic of how it beams signals up to space, and back down to earth, never dropping connection at all, is fantasti. Also, these things normally have maps of your route. Like on the back of airplane seats, but these are hidden within your laptops connection.

The maps are free to look at, of of course. This one came with an added treat. A speedometer. I watched as it climbed from 38kph, to 177, to 230, to 290, to 298. I kept reloading trying to see if it would break 300! It did not. Not on my watch anyway. But, my goodness when you get going is it something else. And the strangest thing? Velocitization, or as I call it, the Tetris effect. When you start to slow, you really feel the difference. Man – 270, come on grandma! Pedal to the metal! Let's go!

This is officially the fastest ground transportation I've ever been on.



So what does the world look like at nearly three hundred kph? Not all that different really. Somehow I expected – more. Ahh the Tetris effect.

Ohh – I was also granted access to news headlines. The full stories would cost extra, but I need them not. Hmm, what have I missed over the last few weeks? It seems south east asia is gone again. And – oh look – Italy has more mudslides. Forest fires, something about North Korea and nukes, lots of death... David Letterman cheated on his wife?! Oh my god! And ohh no! Jon and Kate are at it again. Did he steal 230 000 from her? Can she really not pay bills without it? Is she a crazy airhead who cares nothing about her family and loves the spotlight – while pretending to hate it! Who cares! Because Method Man (sadly not Meteor Man – ohh Eddie Murphy, what have you done lately?) pulled a Capone and has been arrested for not paying Taxes.

Zoom! We're going fast.

Oh good – another delay. And I slowly fall asleep...

And when I wake up? I'm in Paris. Imagine that. (I tip my hat.)